Home | About Us | Legal

Sex with guys didn't work for me...

There are many reasons a sexual encounter can be a failure, and most of them have nothing to do with being lesbian.

If this is one of the first times you have been sexually involved, lack of experience with sex --and with a guy's body -- is probably the reason that things did not work out as you expected. Think of the first time you played a new video game or did an experiment in science class -- you probably did not succeed right away. It takes time to learn how to do something you have not done before, even if it is something as talked about as sex!

How you and the guy were feeling can also affect how things went. Were either of you physically tired or stressed? Feeling angry, guilty or nervous? Had you been drinking or doing drugs? Did you really like him, or were you looking for acceptance, a feeling of closeness and belonging? If the other girls are always bragging about having sex, were you trying to measure up? Did you think it would be like in the movies or on TV? Where were you making out? Was it a place where someone could have come by and found you? An uncomfortable place? Were you in a hurry? All of these can affect your ability to be sexually intimate.

Sex works best in the context of two people who really know each other, really love each other, and are committed to each other. Where that does not exist, it should be no surprise when sex doesn't work. A sexual relationship is a delicate and fragile thing. Only marriage provides the protection that such a relationship needs to flourish. As well, when we experience sexual closeness with someone, we become bonded in a way far beyond what we can explain. When we bond this intimately with someone, it is intended that we stay with them for life. If however we don't, we are both wounded emotionally by the tearing apart of something that was supposed to be together for life. Even within marriage, sexual problems can be encountered. For you to have trouble when you're a teen does not make you lesbian; it's to be expected.

I've had sex with lots of guys, but our relationship never lasts long. I guess I can't fulfill what they're looking for. Maybe I'm lesbian...

Finding sex less fulfilling than you expected does not mean that you are lesbian. A basic reason why your sexual experiences may not have been as fulfilling as you hoped, is that sex outside of relationship is never as fulfilling as sex which happens in the context of two people who truly love each other and are committed to each other.

Maybe you have unrealistic expectations. What did you think sex was going to be like? Did you expect that you would feel like a new person, or like a more mature woman? Did you expect to forget about the rest of your life? Maybe you thought that the guys were going to truly care about you as a person and not just as a sex object. Unfortunately, some guys aren't as interested in getting to know girls as they are in having sex. Perhaps you've heard the other girls talk about all the perfect sex they've had, and you think that your experience should be just as perfect. The media does not help either -- pumping out airbrushed images and perfect love scenes. These are all unrealistic expectations. The girls might talk about having perfect sex, but it's just talk. The best sex happens when two people truly love each other and are committed to being there for each other in the long-run. And even the best sex will not fix the rest of your life -- you have to work on that yourself.

Maybe sex isn't what you were really looking for. Maybe you were hoping for some closeness, someone who cared about who you really are, but all you got was some short-term pleasure. Or worse still, maybe you just felt used. Maybe you were hoping to find some relief for the pain you felt inside. While sex can give you some temporary "pain relief", it can't stop the pain or make it go away. It is a "band-aid" solution which covers over the hurt without really helping. Relief from the hurt you may feel is found in working through the situation that caused the hurt in the first place, and being able to forgive those who hurt you. Closeness is better found in a friendship than by having sex with someone.