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Listen and communicate openly


Communication is vital and, when done well, can strengthen your friendships and relationships. Here are some examples:

Listen for the feelings that are behind the words your friend uses. Is your friend feeling alone? Angry? Depressed? While it is not your job to counsel, you can encourage him or her by listening and acknowledging his or her feelings. You can also suggest other places where your friend can talk to someone.

Don't jump to conclusions: Listen carefully to what your friend says and pay attention to what he or she does. Base your conclusions on that, not on rumours or stories you've heard about your friend. If there is missing information or something you're curious about, ask your friend politely but directly, even if it is a personal topic such as their sexual feeling for you or for another person. Your friend can always choose not to answer, but hopefully you will get at least some kind of response that will give you a more accurate picture of what your friend is thinking and feeling, rather than just "filling in the blanks" yourself.

If your friend has just come out to you, it is helpful if you give verbal feedback. Don't assume that your friend knows how you feel about what has been shared -- he or she is likely afraid of rejection and it is important for you to say what you think. Depending on the case, you might say one of the following:

    * "I wondered whether you were gay, so I'm not surprised that you're telling me this. It doesn't change how I feel about you; you're my friend and that's that."
    * "Well, I really had no idea, but that's ok. We're friends, right?"
    * "I guess this is a bit of a shock for me. I had no idea. I still want to be friends, but I'll need a bit of time to get used to the idea. Is that ok?"
    * "Thanks for being so open. I guess I feel kind of uncomfortable with this... will you help me understand more about this?"

Some friends may talk to you a lot about personal issues, while other friends may prefer to say very little. It is important to give others the freedom to say as much or little as they like. At the same time, a friend may be looking for signs that it is ok to talk more with you.

You might consider saying something like, "How much you share about your life is up to you, but I want you to know I'm here for you." Or "I get the sense that something is really bothering you. When you're ready to talk about it, I'm here for you." However, if a friend or acquaintance is going into more personal detail than you feel comfortable with, you might want to gently say something like: "I'm glad you trust me so much that we can talk about all these things. But I was wondering.... I'd rather not hear all the details about __________; would you mind leaving them out?"