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Telling your parents

Should you tell your parents? This is an important question for many young people who experience same-gender attraction. It is a big decision as well, especially as it can be hard to know how parents will react to the news. To increase the chances of getting a loving response it is important to think a few things through first.

Why tell your parents?

 Why do you want to tell your parents? Hopefully, it is because you love them and are uncomfortable with the distance you feel between you and them because they don't know this about you. That is a perfectly appropriate motive. The thing not to do is to share this information as a result of anger, during an argument, as a way of getting back at them or as a way of exerting your own independence.

Is it your decision to tell them how you feel? Don't let anyone pressure you into this. It is your choice when and if to share this personal information with your parents.

How to tell your parents:

If you tell your parents what you are feeling, could you tell them without using the word gay? Sometimes parents respond negatively simply to that word and it might be easier on you if you didn't use it but rather simply explained a bit about what you are feeling if you can put that into words.

Are you prepared to be a little patient with your parents? Your parents will require time to deal with this information if they haven't considered it prior to your sharing.

Sometimes it is easier to tell one of your parents than the other. Often, it's easier to tell your mom than your dad. That's okay. However, if you choose to do this and you ask that one parent not to tell the other one, remember that it is still important for him or her to be able to talk to someone. It might be helpful to give permission for them to talk to another trusted person.

For some people, it might be easier to have someone who already knows about you, with you when you tell mom and dad. It could be a friend or your youth pastor. The important thing is that it's someone whom you trust and who will support you regardless of your parents' response. It can be helpful if it is someone whom they also respect.

Your parents' response:

If your parents offered you help (counseling?) is that something that you would want to participate in? In other words have you considered not just what you are feeling but actually whether or not you want to live those feelings through sexually? If there was another way would you consider it?

Have you considered what you will do if your parent's reaction is completely negative? How will that impact you and what will you do then? Do you have anyone else that you can go to for support in case they do react very negatively?

When not to tell:

Is there any chance that your parents will kick you out of the house? If there is even the slightest probability of that then unless you are old enough to live on your own and support yourself you should wait before raising this topic with them.

Am I lying if I choose not to tell them?

If you decide not to tell your parents, you are not lying. Lying would be if they asked you if you are gay, and you said no, or if you pretended to be in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex just to cover up. If you decide not to tell them, you are simply choosing what parts of your life to share with them and what parts you are keeping to yourself.

While it can be important for your parents to know what you are going through, it is your decision whether or not to share this information with them. Carefully consider the issues listed above and discuss the matter with some trusted friends.