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What is meant by orientation change?

Orientation change is a really controversial subject.  In our experience, complete orientation change is very rare.   However, we do know that sexuality can be fluid and that some people experience shifts in the direction of their attractions at different points in their lives.  And some people, because of their own personal goals, beliefs and values, want to explore whether they will be able to experience a shift in the direction of their sexual attractions.  Read more about why someone would want to explore shifting their attractions. 

Note: It is both unethical and damaging to pressure someone to try to change their orientation or attractions or try to change someone's sexual orientation against his or her will.
 
Just to be clear, this website is not about making teens try to change their orientation. No one should ever try to force someone to change, or tell someone that they should or shouldn't be gay. We believe in respecting everyone, whatever their orientation, and allowing people to choose for themselves what kind of life to live.

Shifts in attraction do not happen by magic or wishful thinking. If such a shift happens, it may have been influenced by working through various aspects of one's experience, identity and journey or it may be completely unpredictable.   There is no particular program or therapy that can guarantee any kind of shift.  And some counselors or groups that specifically focus on reparative or change therapy may be very restrictive and contribute to feelings of self-hatred and non-acceptance.  We would not recommend participation in such programs.

Behaviour:

The behaviours we participate in reinforce our desires.  Unlike our feelings and desires, we can make direct choices about our behaviour. We can choose to not be sexually active. We can choose not to buy pornography or watch a certain film. For example, every time Joe masturbated while looking at gay pornography, his mind put what he saw (images of men) together with what he felt (pleasure from masturbating). This made the attraction to men stronger, because it was associated with pleasure. When Joe decided he wanted to change some of his behaviour, he started by getting rid of all his pornography and resolving not to get any more.

Sometimes we do not seem to have total control over our behaviour. We find that we repeat the same habits even though we don't want to. We may have become addicted to certain kinds of behaviour even.  For those that wish to modify their behaviour, connecting with a support group can help a person understand why the compulsion is so strong and to answer that important question: "What is it I really want when I ... (masturbate, view pornography, go out cruising, etc.)?"

Attractions:

A deeper area where we may hope to experience some change has to do with what we feel -- our emotions, desires, attractions -- and our fantasies. Sometimes people think that the only way to influence our attractions is to live in denial of our feelings. Denial is not a healthy way to impact our attractions.  Healthy growth is not as simple as "just quit it." If we want to experience greater mastery in the area of our attractions, we will need to face our feelings, including the hurts that we have experienced in life. This is often hard work, but is usually rewarding in the long run even if it doesn'’t result in change of attractions.

The emotional needs that can be a part of our experience of sexual attraction must be understood and met in healthy ways. Some of these needs may relate to love we never felt we received, feeling alienated from people of the same gender, other loneliness, sexual abuse we may have experienced, or difficulty accepting ourselves.

Identity:

There are two basic types of identity:  internal and external
  • How I describe myself  and/or what label I use when I think about myself
  • How I describe myself and/or how I label myself to others
Sometimes people will identify themselves as gay or lesbian in some settings but not in others. It all depends on what they mean (or how their audience understands) the words "gay" and "lesbian" Read more about that discussion here.

If you have always felt different because of your experience of sexual identity, it may be helpful to work towards accepting and realizing that you are not so different from other people.  You are not defined by your experience of sexuality.  And you may find it helpful to continue to develop in the other areas that shape and inform your sense of identity.

If because of your beliefs and values you want to seek to experience mastery in the area of your same-gender attraction, you will likely benefit from not trying to process this all on your own.  You may need the support of others who understand the complexities of sexual identity, who will be supportive of the goals you have for yourself, and who will help to make your journey a positive experience regardless of the outcome.