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Hey, I found this website incredibly helpful. I have never come across discussing this with someone in real life before, I really wanted to do it over email. Its very hard for me, and im so confused.
When I was 11 I began masturbating, I didn't know what it was, or why I was doing it. I began exploring on the internet, searching about what it was.Eventually I became curious, and began searching for porn. (Big mistake.) The first porn I came across was Gay Porn, and ever since I have been revisiting and masturbating to men.
I have never had a relationship with anyone before, and I am able to masturabate to women. I have never thought of having a gay relationship before in my life, only straight ones.

Ever since I was 10 I've wanted to be like my Father, and raise a family, have a wife, and children. I never thought about sex, just living a happy life with a familiy, that all changed at 11. I am incredibly self-confident, and always thought to myself that I would do well later in life.

Later when I was 11, at the time I began seeing Gay Porn, I began asking myself whether I was Gay, ever since, it has been eating away at me from inside. I hate approaching the subject in real life, But recently I have been finding someone in my class attractive, But I.. "Don't want to be Gay." I rarely approach him now, but strangely enough I dont find anyone else I have ever met in my entire life that was attractive.

At the moment I have absolutely no relationship with girls, I am losing myself. All I do now is see boys (I must say now i go to a boys only school, and im not very social, im only 12), but I'm not sure its for me, in real life I think sex with boys is repulsive.
If a boy, even that boy I was talking about earlier, ever apporached me to ask for anything sexual, I would refuse, but I think this is because im try to deny it.Every night I dream of this one girl who i meet in a fair, and marry at 21, and have a girl and boy. I have always wanted a family, and have wanted one for most of my life.
So basically, I watch Gay Porn, Masturbate to Girls and Boys, but dream about girls, and I've never had a relationship. Sadly, unlike most people in my class, I began masturbating before most, now I am so confused about my sexuality.
I masturbate 5 times a week now, I live with a big family, and I dont have that many friends. Alot of the time I feel lonely, especially when I think about friends, I feel depressed. I think "I'm not popular at all, noone ever sides with me."I get bullied quite often. but I accept it. I know its bullying but they dont do it often. They are like a pack of wolves, my friends, one finds a victim, they all attack at once.I sometimes cry at night because of this, I feel so angry I take it out on my nicer friends. This way I have so little friends at all.Can you please help me? Give me some advice and information on my sexuality? I really need help.

- Thanks, Nick, Age 12

Dear Nick! Thanks for writing in, I know it can be hard to talk about stuff like this. You are certainly not alone in your experiences with porn, early exposure to pornography is a huge problem for a lot of kids you age, and it can cause a lot of confusion. Your desire to learn about your body and about sexuality is normal and many youth like you start looking at pornography as a way to try to understand themselves. However pornography can be very harmful, and can give you wrong ideas of what sexuality is supposed to be like.
In your situation you are attracted by both guys and girls to some degree, but girls aren't as available to you. Online you look at both gay and straight porn, but feel like you wouldn't want to be doing anything with a guy in real life. You know that when you want to get married and have kids when you get older. That is a lot of conflicting stuff to figure out all at once. I think one of the best things that you can do is take things one step at a time. Remember you don't have to figure out right now the whole rest of your life! Maybe you will be married in the future and have kids, and maybe you won't. There a lot of things that will go into that which you have no control over, whether you are gay or straight. At twelve you aren't ready to make decisions about that yet.
So lets focus on what is going on right now. It seems you are pretty lonely and unhappy in your life. I think that should be focus of things right now.  This time of life is hard on everyone. I have been working with teens for years, and even the ones who seem to have it all together are feeling insecure and awkward right now too. Many choose to deal with this insecurity by picking on other people. You have been on the giving and receiving end of this. One of the best things that you can do right now is put relationships on hold to develop real friendships. One of the most important thing in having a successful relationship, whether gay or straight is liking yourself and being able to be a friend. You can not control others around you, but you can change how you treat other people.
When people feel insecure about themselves and their sexuality they often withdraw from other people because they feel ashamed. It is very important for you right now to not do that. I know there are lots of mean people out there in the world, but don't buy into the idea that there is something wrong with you because they are mean. Things can be hard, but this season of life does not last forever. Find the things that you are good at and that you enjoy, and then look for other people who are into the same stuff. Guys make friends best by doing things together.
As for making sense of the sexuality stuff, I do have a couple words of advice. First of all I would recommend you stop looking at pornography, gay or straight. (I know easier said than done!) It will not really help you figure stuff out. I would also strongly recommend that you not rush into getting physically active with either a guy or a girl right now. When you're lonely sex can seem like a great way to feel good, and being in a relationship can make you feel less lonely in the short term, but it can also seriously complicate things, and it certainly won't help you figure out things. As for dating someone, I would say, don't rush in. Many youth feel like if they aren't in a relationship there is something wrong with them. But rushing things can hurt you and the person you are with. I good sign that someone is a good person to date is if they are not just someone you are attracted to, but someone who you can really talk to. Do they listen to you and respect you? Can you talk to them honestly about what you are feeling? Those are the best people to date. If the girls around are not great, then don't settle just to be in a relationship. As for this guy you think is cool, I think the best thing to do is just get to know him as a friend. Hitting on a guy who you are not sure is open to that can be dangerous, and it doesn't sound like you are really want anything more than that.
The most important thing to remember in this is that whatever happens you are okay, and that you a worthy of respect. I think a lot of the anxiety of "What does all this mean?" comes from feeling like if you turn out a certain way everything will be bad. Believe in yourself, and then you will be able to give yourself the time needed to figure things out. I think your attractions will make more sense as you get older. Only you can decide for yourself whether you are gay or not, but I think it is a bit early to decide that right now.
I hope that helps you make sense and helps you out. Most of all remember, you are okay just the way you are.



im 17. i thought when i was in elementary school the feelings i had for dudes would probably change when i hit puberty. i was talkative and obnoxious like most elementary students and i played sports and had a lot of guy friends. when i hit puberty in middle school my feelings for dudes never changed, i still liked them. but this time it became sexually. i lost my confidence and self esteem starting that year because thats when i started to kinda live a double life. i live in a small city and people here think homosexuality is disgusting. im a junior now and i have lost all of my guy friends and i only have friends that are girls. im becoming anti social to guys now, i mummble when i do talk to them and i get nervous. alot of people think im weird because i act weird around the same sex and its obvious.im not ready to come out but people are already convinced im gay but i think its better to pretend people dont know.
i have a very confusing life.

Josh, age 17, male, USA

Hey Josh! Thanks for writing in. It sounds like things have been pretty tough for you. Realizing that you are attracted to the same sex can bring a lot of anxiety and fear when you are young, especially when you look around and compare yourself to other people. For many teens (not just SGA ones) anxiety about being "normal" or "okay" can become crippling. In your case it seems that anxiety around guys has really gotten in the way of trying to connect with male friends.  Whether you eventually decide to identify as gay or not being able to be comfortable with yourself, and comfortable around others is really important. Lose of self esteem is a serious thing, and talking to a counselor or other professional would be a good idea to help you regain confidence. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and being same gender attracted does not change any of the things that make you a great person. You are just as good now as you were before puberty. As for those who are labeling you as gay, most of them are probably doing it from ignorance, and there is little you can do about it. When people started calling me gay in high school I was very anxious that somehow they knew! Then I noticed how many other people they called it too. In fact when I finally did "come out" many of the ones who teased me the most were very surprised. So don't let their teasing define how you see yourself.
The biggest part of confidence is believing yourself that you are good and likable. There is a vicious cycle that occurs where we believe or fear that we are not good, and others sense that insecurity. We may not say anything but we communicate our insecurity in ways like avoiding people, not making eye contact, body language. When we do that, others pick up on that and treat us accordingly. Once again talking to a counselor may help you learn how to present yourself better, as well as help you process your feelings and feel better about yourself.
Whether you decide to act on your feelings of same sex attraction or not, you should never view yourself as being bad because you have them, or that you have anything to be ashamed of. Attractions happen and you don't control that. You can control what you do with them, and I encourage you to live in a way that makes sense to you. But whatever you choose know that you are good, and lovable and that you have important things to contribute to the lives of those around you, including other guys.




I just found our site today and it really helped me. I think i can trust you guys in telling you my problem. Since i was 8 years to now i have been doing stuff with guys. I havnt had sex with them. I have lots of friends and have had lots and lots of girlfriends. I always put myself down think that im gay. I DONT WANT TO BE GAY AT ALL. I want to have kids and wife and everything. I try all the time not to be gay but it like keeps following me. I tell myself every morning im not gay and write a note to myself and read it every night before i go to bed. I know it seems retarted but thats the only way i tthink i will help.. ALL I WANT TO DO IS TO STOP THINKING ABOUT MEN AND STOP DOING STUFF WITH MEN.. I always feel very guilty about it. Please please help me.

M, age 15, male, USA
I'm glad that you enjoyed our site, and that you felt safe to write in. You say that you have been doing stuff with guys since you were 8, and that you are still doing stuff with them. A lot of guys experiment during early adolescence, but its hard to tell from your description if it is more than just that going on. You say that you haven't been having sex, which is good, so I am guessing you are talking about stuff like mutual masturbation. How often are you doing stuff with other guys? Who are you doing it with, and is it you who starts it, or others? You said that you have had lots of girlfriends as well, have you been doing stuff with them? Are you attracted to them?
The thing that comes through most in your email is the deep fear and shame you are feeling about your attractions to guys. I totally get that, that is where I was at myself when I was your age. So I guess the biggest thing that I want you to know, is that you don't have to hate yourself for being attracted to guys. Honestly, attractions are things that just are, and you can't really will them to appear or disappear no matter how much you want to. Believe me on this, I tried.

I have worked with a LOT of teens over the years who are same sex attracted. For some of them, it is a phase and it goes away on its own, but for many of them, it's not and it's something that they have for the rest of their lives. Some of the those kids decide to identify as gay and go on to lead happy lives, others of them find that even though they are attracted to the same sex, identifying as gay doesn't really work for them. Of those, some have stayed single, and others have been able to move into hetero relationships.
The thing that every single one of those youth had to do in order to find happiness in their life was come to terms with their attractions, and learn to accept themselves. This is equally true of those that ended up in hetero relationships as those who decided to identify as gay. For myself, I am in my 30's now, and married, which I thought would never be possible for me. But I am also still attracted to guys. I spent a lot of years freaking out over that and hating myself, and it was very damaging to me. As strange as it sounds, it wasn't until I came to accept that fact that I was attracted to guys, and would probably always be, that I was able to get secure enough that I was ready to work through things, and even get into a relationship with a girl. I knew that getting married meant that my wife had to accept me, SGA and all, and I had to love myself.
So the biggest thing you need to know right now is this: You are okay. Whether these attractions go away or not, whether you eventually end up identifying as gay or not, whatever you have done...you are okay. Hating yourself will not change anything, and will lead you to a lot of pain.
Once you get that, then you can make choices about what you do or do not do. I am attracted to guys, but choose not to sleep with them. I choose to define myself by my actions, rather than my attractions. For me, being in a relationship with a guy wasn't an option, despite my attractions, so I found a way of life that worked for me. You will have many choices ahead, and your mind might change on stuff along the way, and that is all okay.
What I do hear from you is that you are doing stuff, and part of you feels that it isn't good, but you don't know how to stop. I think everyone has been in that place at some point in their life. I asked a bunch of questions earlier to help figure out how to best help you deal with that. Its hard for me to give suggestions not knowing much about the circumstances. But start with this: every morning, instead of writing "I am not gay" on a note. Write out "I am okay" instead, and just before you go to bed read it to yourself again. Does that mean that you are gay? Certainly not, but you being okay, your worth as a human being is not based on whether you are gay or straight. And as you figure all this stuff out, at least you will know that no matter what happens, you are alright.



Im 18 and lost. I've never been with a guy a dont want too. Im not gay and DONT want to be. This thought of being gay is really bothering me. Is it possible to turn gay? I have always been real quiet my whole life and have never done anything. When I go out now I find myself paying attention to every little thing about myself. I have no personality. When someone says something about someone being gay I always think theyr'e referring to me, but I'm not gay. When I was little I think I was forced to do something with a guy. My life is just a disaster right now. I cant play baseball anymore, i cant go outside i cant do anything. I REALLY DONT WANT TO BE GAY. I wake up in the morning telling myself ''I'm not gay'' I even write it about 200 times a day. How can I get these thoughts of being gay to go away? Thank you for your time

Louis, age 18, male, California, U.S.A.

Hey Louis! Thanks for writing in! I am sure it was pretty scary to even talk about this. You say that you are not gay, that you don't want to be with a guy and never have. That is cool. I guess I wonder why you are so worried about being gay. If you aren't attracted to guys, you don't want to be with one and have no desire to be gay...then nothing is going to magically turn you gay.

If however what you are saying is you are attracted to guys, but don't want to be gay...that is a whole other thing. But once again being attracted to guys does not mean you have to be gay. This site is all about options. Most people can not choose what their attractions are, and many find they are attracted to the same sex. For some they find that their attractions are something they choose not to act on, and these people decide to remain single and celebate. Others find that in time their attractions to the opposite sex can be developed and though they are still attracted to the same sex they choose not to act on those attraction.

But whatever path you choose to walk the common thing that is important for success and happiness is learning self acceptance. Growing up when I discovered that I was attracted to the same sex I started hating myself. I thought that if I was attracted to the same sex that made me a bad person, unloving and disgusting. None of that was true. One of the most important parts of my journey was learning to love myself even if I was attracted to guys. And it wasn't until I learned to be able to truly love myself and be okay with the fact that I was attracted to guys that I was able to be healthy enough to chose not to act on them. Today I am still attracted to the same sex, but am happy not acting on those attraction, and happy with who I am. So if you are attracted to guys, that doesn't mean you are gay, and it doesn't mean you are bad, disgusting, or unloveable.

If you aren't attracted to guys at all and are still feeling scared you might end up gay then you might be suffering from gay panic. This happens most often among teens who are either closely associated with a gay person (like discovering your dad was gay) and fearing that will somehow rub off on you...or can be the reaction to some kind of childhood incident like being molested as a child. In either case I want to assure you that you can't be made gay against your will, and anything that someone else has done does not mean anything about you. I would strongly suggest talking to a counselor or psychologist if you think something happened to you when you were a kid. Sometimes when things happen as kids it can be really confusing when you get older, and a counselor can help you sort that stuff out. As hard or scary as it is to talk about it, believe me it really really helps, and may help you break the fear you live under. If your fear is to the point where it is affecting your every day life and enjoyment of things like baseball...that is definitely a sign that you should talk to someone qualified to help you. Guidance counselors at school can be a good resource, or community services in your town may offer free or cheap counselling. If you have more questions feel free to write again and I will try to help how I can.

My family and I think that our neighbor and dear friend is gay. (This is really a friend; I am not talking about my self) He only hangs out with girls, rarely dose he hang out with boys unless they are cousins or on a sports team. He is very athletic. He is 16 years old and we were thinking about asking him about the subject. But we wanted to get more info before we said anything. We dont want him to have a miserable life because he is afraid of who he is. He has an over baring father and a mother who is in denial. What can we do as best friends and family to make him feel more comfortable about who he might be?

Becky, 16, female, California, U.S.A.

Hi Becky,
Thanks for writing us. Please take a look at our Someone I know is gay ... page on our website which I think has a lot of tips that will be helpful for you.

Generally, you cannot tell whether someone is attracted to the same sex or the opposite sex by the way they look or act. While it is certainly possible that your friend may be same gender attracted, jumping to conclusions or assuming things about his sexual orientation may actually be hurtful to him. He is just as much capable of being a perfectly acceptable straight man (even with his tendencies to hang with girls and any other stereotypes) as any other man, and it would be bad to imply otherwise.

As a friend, it is important that you help to provide a safe place for him to be whoever he is, without pressuring him one way or another. If you think that he is same gender attracted, pushing him to come out before he is ready to would be just as damaging as if you pressured him to not come out.

Sexuality is something that can change over time, so even if he's confused about his sexuality now, doesn't mean that he's automatically going to be straight (or gay) in 5 years. (especially considering his age) even if he feels that he's one way now, in 5 years that might not be the case. The important thing is that you communicate to him in words and actions that no matter who he's attracted to or what confusion he may be in, that you and your family will accept him as he is now and whatever he is in the future.

Sometimes, people who are in that place of confusion and not really sure what they want to do about their sexuality will not choose to reveal that they are confused because they don't want other people to pressure them to choose. If you give him the idea that you expect him to be gay and would be disappointed in him (and think that he was in denial) if he said that he wasn't sure he wanted to be gay... it would be just as bad as if you expected him to be straight and gave him the idea that if he wasn't that you would be disappointed in him.

I know it's a fine line to walk, but I'm glad that he is fortunate enough to have neighbours and friends like you and your family who will accept him no matter where he's at and provide some unconditional acceptance for him.

I actually am fighting this urge for a long time...and am very ashamed of what i am going through.my problem is that im attracted to very young boys like in the age group of 13 and 14 years old .i want to know if there is any particular way that i can overcome this feeling and stop this urge somehow .Please provide with any helpfull suggestion.i also have read a lot of articles related to child molestation and similar topics ,and this has caused more dielema.Now im thinkin im havin some sort of serious mental illness which is making me attracted to such a young age group.lookin forward to your advice

V, age 19, male, Karnataka, India

Hey V!
Thanks for writing in. I know it takes a great deal of courage to talk about this. First of all I know you are probably feeling really bad because you feel this way. But I want you to know that these feelings that you are dealing with are not your fault. You did not ask for them. You are however very much responsible for what you do with them. Usually this kind of attraction to younger guys happens when for some reason, either abuse, or feelings of rejection in your own life around that time you get "stuck" focusing on a certain age group. Perhaps younger guys remind you of a certain time when you felt accepted and close to other, perhaps tied to a sexual experience. In any case you need to get help from a trained counselor or psychologist. This is not a problem that you can solve on your own, and if you try to ignore it you could end up hurting yourself or someone else a great deal. I know it is hard to admit this to another person, but a counselor or psychologist will keep things confidential and get you the help that you need. I know this is tough, but I hope this helps point you in the right direction. I do know that with proper help you can keep this from destroying your life.

What is the average time that a gay phase lasts, will masturbating whil thinking about girls help change my thoughts linked with pleasure?

dc, 15, male, New York, New York, U.S.A.

Hey DC,
Thanks for writing in. You ask a good question, but one that is hard to answer. There is no standard answer because everyone is different. Studies have shown us that while 26 percent of high school students are unsure of their sexuality in their first year, by their last year only 9 percent are still unsure. That tells us for a lot of people some amount of sexual confusion or attraction may pass after a few years. For other people same sex attraction will last longer, or will be permanent. Personally same sex attraction was something that started young, and though I now am attracted to girls and am getting married I still am attracted to guys too. So I wouldn't call it a phase, but at the same time I am no longer sexually active with guys. Does that make sense?

As for masturbating while looking at girls, that is also somewhat tricky. We do know that our brain does respond to what we look or fantasize about while masturbating, and that it can cause our brain to form or reinforce neural connections that make it easier to respond to those things again. So if you look at gay pornography it will probably increase your attraction in that area. But if you are not already aroused by straight porn, forcing yourself to look at it while masturbating will probably not make you more attracted to girls. I have not seen any studies on this, personally I do not know anyone who this has been successful for, and I have talked to people who have actually become more confused by trying to do this.

All my life i have been a tomboy. I never really liked doing girlie stuff. When i was young (4-5) me, my sister, and another girl who stayed at our house did sexual things to each other and sometimes it would just be me and my sister. When i got older and realized it was wrong i always felt an incredible amount of guilt about it. I have never had a real boyfriend and i have never been kissed. I have never met my father so boys are a completely awkward thing for me. I have been told that i act like a boy on different occasions and was always embarassed and offended.

I think i have always had some attraction to girls but i am not sure if it is sexual or just me looking at them as what i wish i looked like and was. In the fifth grade i started imagining scenarios in which the pretty girl in my class would be dating another attractive boy and they would live out this whole fantasy world in my head. That has gone on for several years and continues to this day.
they are even more elaborate now and mostly involve people from tv.

Does any of this make me a lesbian? I have always known i was different because i was never boy crazy when other girls my age were. I had a few crushes on guys. Most of them were friends who treated me nicely. When they became jerks it disappeared. I never told them because i always felt like they would never find me attractive.

Just recently i have seriously started questioning my sexuality. I do not want to be a lesbian because i cannot picture myself having sexual relations with a woman but i do not want to live a lie either. In the past few years i have started wanting to dress up more and attract more boys but the fact that people comment always makes me not want to do it. I discovered your website and reading it has made me feel a lot better. I tried reading other things but they started freaking me out more. I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend for that matter so i do not really know if i would like to be with either one. please give me some feedback it will help to quell my agony. thanks.

Shirley, 21, female, Georgia, U.S.A.

Hi Shirley
Thanks for your email.

I think what you say makes a lot of sense. You haven't had contact with your Dad and you don't mention any brothers. The end result is that you don't have a lot of familiarity with boys. Hence you are a little awkward around boys. That sounds just so reasonable.

The point is that it is hard to build relationships or be emotionally intimate with something that you are unfamiliar with....in other words boys. For example it is fairly common knowledge that boys who have sisters are often better at relating to girls then boys who don't. The same reason would be the same. Simply a knowledge and comfort level with the opposite gender is important in being able to form meaningful and long lasting relationships with them.

Hence I don't think the obvious conclusion from your story is that you are a lesbian. The 'tomboy' thing isn't that important as far as I know. It certainly isn't prescriptive of your sexuality as lots of heterosexual girls like sports and are not terribly into girlie things. The sexual play with other girls and with your sister as a child I don't think changes that. Kids fool around with each other. Sexual play between siblings, though not a good thing, is not at all uncommon. I would just chalk that up to experience and not let it form the foundation of your beliefs about your adult sexuality.

For you, I believe, the task is to become more familiar and comfortable with guys. From that a relational and sexual desire may well develop. To do that I would not immediately go out and try to find a full time boy friend. Hanging around with groups of friends, some of whom are guys, might be better. Going out in a mixed group (ie guys and girls) of friends from work or school might be helpful. Whatever works towards helping you be in contact with guys in a non threatening situation could only be of value to you.

Other than that....I would try to avoid the fantasy life around the romantic lives of attractive girls and guys that you know. Romance is possible for you and sometimes living a fantasy only helps us avoid going out and creating our own reality. It really is a poor second cousin to being relational yourself. Secondly, I would also be patient with yourself. It does take some time and you shouldn't be discouraged if you never experience the 'boy crazy' thing. Just find those situations where you can relate to guys and in time you may find yourself feeling drawn to a particular guy. That is all it takes to start.